Comments on: May Contest – Cigar Jokes

By: Insurance Fraud Anyone?

Insurance Fraud Anyone? — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 11:43:04 +0000

[...] Posted by salmonfly And were did you sniff this one out from!! May Contest – Cigar Jokes __________________ "Walk softly and carry a Big Gun!" Dawn Of War 40K. (Thankyou [...]

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 27 May 2009 02:18:30 +0000

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast”.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 27 May 2009 02:17:59 +0000

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 27 May 2009 02:17:12 +0000

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 27 May 2009 02:16:16 +0000

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
“In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…”
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. T he others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away…”
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it…

By: Emjaysmash

Emjaysmash — Tue, 26 May 2009 01:34:27 +0000

What do you call a cigar smoker thats being a jerk?

- an ASH-HOLE!!!!

How’s that for a crappy joke?

By: Calestus

Calestus — Fri, 22 May 2009 21:51:38 +0000

A stranger walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money with a sign that says:

“Make my horse laugh and the jar is yours, 10 bucks to play.”

He saddles up to the bar, asks for two fingers of whiskey, hands the barkeep ten bucks and asks where the horse is.

Keep points at a door and says right through there, should be in his stall.

Guy goes and about a minute later comes back and the horse’s laughter can be heard through out the establisment. Barkeep is astonished and hands him the jar, “Ten years that jars been getting money shoved in it.”

Guy leaves, and a few days later returns. He notes faint notes of horse laughter drifiting through the bar. The barkeep waves him over and says “Bud, you gotta make the damn horse stop laughing!” Guy goes through the door and about a minute later comes back and all is quite.

A crowd starts to form around this stranger and the barkeeps says, “Bud, I just gotta know, what the hell did you say to the horse to make him laugh?”

Stranger:”I told him my dick was bigger than his.”

Barkeep:”Well then how’d the hell you make him stop?”

As the stranger slowly lights a cigar looking over the ladies there, “I showed him.”

By: RuudNL

RuudNL — Wed, 13 May 2009 13:08:28 +0000

What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend?

“It’s close, but it’s no cigar.”

By: Kirk

Kirk — Wed, 13 May 2009 12:49:01 +0000

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, smoking cigars and drinking scotch. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and lights up a stick. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., smoke break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

By: Zach

Zach — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:39:53 +0000

A man and a blonde who just met are having sex, when they finish the man rolls over to grab a cigar from the nightstand drawer. Before he grabs one he figures that it would be rude to start smoking without offering to the woman as well. So he rolls back over before lighting up and asks, “Do you smoke after sex?” “I don’t know,” says the woman with a worried look on her face, “I’ve never checked.”