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May Contest – Cigar Jokes
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May Contest – Cigar Jokes

For our May Contest we want to have a little fun and have a few laughs. All you have to do is tell us a cigar joke as a comment to this post. There is no limitation to how many jokes you can tell (in total or per day), and it lasts for the whole month of May. You just have to be over 18 years old. Just make us laugh. The three of us will pick our favorite, and the winner will receive a great prize.

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Our prize this month is provided by Reyes Family Cigars. Our winner will receive a 10 cigar sampler courtesy of Frankie from Reyes Family.

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Gurkha – a premium cigar… now that my friends is funny.

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”

His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”

“Oh come on” replies the bartender.

The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar”.

The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”.

The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
“In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…”
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. The others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away…”
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it…

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against… fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in “the fires.”
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.

Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up.
Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance.
When they met again, one was puffing away.
“But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin,” protested the other.
“What did you ask him?” said the first.
“I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, ‘No.'”
“Well,” said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, “I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!”

The druggist approached the customer who had just lit a cigar. “Excuse me,” he said, “but you can’t smoke in here.”
The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. “Like hell I can’t!! I just bought the damn thing here!”
“Big deal,” replied the druggist. “We sell condoms here too.

Cigar Communication
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”

All the Better to Light Your Cigar
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”

Addiction to Cigars
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. “When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.” “Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. “What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!” “Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient. “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?” “Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass…”

Missing Cigar
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”
His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”
“Oh come on” replies the bartender.
The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar”.
The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says “See that”.
The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

Cigars for The Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But, I did send them.”
“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but signed the plaintiff’s name.

The Scotsman’s Conscience
The purchasing agent of a big jobbing concern was a Scotchman.
He gave an extensive order to a salesman for a supply house.
Although he had obtained the business in open competition, the salesman felt gratitude at being favored and sought a way to show it. He knew he dare not offer the Scot a commission; likewise a gift of money, he figured, would be regarded as an insult. The Scot, he noticed, constantly smoked cigars. So the salesman slipped out to a cigar store and bought a box containing fifty of the finest Havanas the tobacconist carried in stock. The price for the fifty was fifteen dollars. He brought the box back and asked the purchasing agent to accept it with his compliments.
The latter explain that it was against the policy of his house for its buyers to accept presents of any sort from those with whom the concern did business. He was sorry, he said, but he could not take the cigars as a present, even though he felt sure his young friend had tendered them with the best of intentions and in absolute good faith.
The salesman had another idea: “Well,” he said, “I hate to throw these cigars away. They are of no use to me – I smoke only cigarettes. I wonder if you would buy them from me? – there is no harm in that, I am sure.”
“What would you be asking for them?” inquired the prudent Scot.
“I’ll sell the whole fifty to you for a nickel,” stated the salesman.
The purchasing agent lifted one of the cigars from the top row, smelled it, rolled it in his fingers and eyed it closely.
“Very well,” he said, “at that price I’ll take four boxes.

Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex
• You can GET cigars.
• You can safely have cigars while you are driving.
• You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.
• You can have cigars even in front of your mother.
• Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
• The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off cigars.
• You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
• You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.
• You don’t get hairs in your mouth with cigars.
• With cigars there’s no need to fake it.
• Cigars don’t make you pregnant.
• You can have cigars at any time of the month.
• Good cigars are easy to find.
• You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
• When you have great cigars it doesn’t keep your neighbours awake
• With cigars size doesn’t matter. It’s ALL good!

Cigars in Space
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country.
Since it’s going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, “I’ve always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with.” The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, “It’s gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made.” Again, NASA Okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it’s obvious what the American’s been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn’t understand a word of it, but they’re impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
“Anybody got a match?”

Crotchless Underwear
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work, lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs… “Honey would you like some of this?”
“Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!”

Breakfast
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast”.

A second opinion
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
“You aren’t that good in bed either!”
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends, confident he could he lit a robusto lent back in his chair and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
“What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?” “I was in bed.”
“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”
“Getting a second opinion.”‘

Johnny, it would have been easier for you to just post the link.

http://www.cigarsmag.com/Cigar_Jokes.htm

I know I could have, but I felt like people would be more likely to read them directly from the page. Some pretty damn funny jokes in there though! I love the cigar insurance one.

Hilary Clinton and her personal driver were riding around some country roads, on the way home from a speaking meeting. They were coming over a hill when they heard a loud thump and the car felt like it hit something. They exited the car only to find that they had accidentally ran into and killed a cow. They saw where the fence was broken, and Hilary being the upstanding citizen, decided that they should alert the farmers as to what they did. So, like every good politician, they put this on the driver, and told him to go tell the farmer.

After 45 minutes to an hour, Hilary started getting worried something happened to her driver. She started to walk toward the farm, when she noticed her driver stumbling down the long dirt road. In his right hand was a nice big fat cigar, and the other hand a bottle of wine. When he finally stumbled his way back to the car…Hilary demanded that he explain what happened. The driver calmly(and drunk) explained that when he walked up to the farm, the farmer and his wife came out to find out what this very well dressed man was doing in their driveway. He explained to them that he was Hilary Clintons driver, and that he just killed the old cow…he said after that the farmer gave him a cigar and the farmers wife gave him a bottle of wine.

Can’t believe nobody posted that one yet ;)

A man and a blonde who just met are having sex, when they finish the man rolls over to grab a cigar from the nightstand drawer. Before he grabs one he figures that it would be rude to start smoking without offering to the woman as well. So he rolls back over before lighting up and asks, “Do you smoke after sex?” “I don’t know,” says the woman with a worried look on her face, “I’ve never checked.”

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, smoking cigars and drinking scotch. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and lights up a stick. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., smoke break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend?

“It’s close, but it’s no cigar.”

A stranger walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money with a sign that says:

“Make my horse laugh and the jar is yours, 10 bucks to play.”

He saddles up to the bar, asks for two fingers of whiskey, hands the barkeep ten bucks and asks where the horse is.

Keep points at a door and says right through there, should be in his stall.

Guy goes and about a minute later comes back and the horse’s laughter can be heard through out the establisment. Barkeep is astonished and hands him the jar, “Ten years that jars been getting money shoved in it.”

Guy leaves, and a few days later returns. He notes faint notes of horse laughter drifiting through the bar. The barkeep waves him over and says “Bud, you gotta make the damn horse stop laughing!” Guy goes through the door and about a minute later comes back and all is quite.

A crowd starts to form around this stranger and the barkeeps says, “Bud, I just gotta know, what the hell did you say to the horse to make him laugh?”

Stranger:”I told him my dick was bigger than his.”

Barkeep:”Well then how’d the hell you make him stop?”

As the stranger slowly lights a cigar looking over the ladies there, “I showed him.”

What do you call a cigar smoker thats being a jerk?

– an ASH-HOLE!!!!

How’s that for a crappy joke?

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
“In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…”
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. T he others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away…”
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it…

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast”.

[…] Posted by salmonfly And were did you sniff this one out from!! May Contest – Cigar Jokes __________________ "Walk softly and carry a Big Gun!" Dawn Of War 40K. (Thankyou […]

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